Shepherd Christmas
by McDreamy
Summary: Christmas has been a vital holiday in Derek and Addison's relationship. But now that they are on the verge of falling apart can going to Christmas back home help? Set shortly after Into you Like a Train. Please R&R. McMarried Addek. Flashbacks in italics
1. Chapter 1

"_Addie, don't be so nervous," Derek placed a small kiss on his girlfriend's cheek as they stood on the porch of his parent's house, "They'll love you."_

_The door opened and a girl, not much younger than Derek, opened the door and threw her arms around Derek's neck, "Bubba! Merry Christmas! And _this_ must be the girlfriend."_

"_Yes, Emily, this is Addison," Derek gave his sister a kiss on the forehead, "Addie, this is my baby sister Emily."_

"_Hi, I'd shake your hand, but," Addison nodded towards the gifts she was holding, "I'm a little bit full."_

"_Here, let me help you," Emily relieved Addison of the gifts and carried them inside. The instant they were in the entryway she announced loudly, "Bubbas home!"_

_Soon, Addison was being introduced to a mass of people, babies, husbands, parents and sisters. After the newness of "Bubba's" arrival had worn off, Addison entered the kitchen to help the women prepare Christmas dinner._

"_He lets you call him Bubba?" Addison wondered aloud._

_Amanda, the oldest Shepherd sister, laughed, "Not something you'd expect, huh?" _

"_He's Derek, any attempt to call him by any other name is met with silence," Addison answered._

"_I would say we kind of ruined him with the whole Bubba thing," Sarah, the sister directly older than Derek, explained, "It kind of embarrasses him."_

_Addison nodded and soon found herself reveling in listening to the four women swap embarrassing stories about _their_ Bubba. She, the only child of distant parents, had never known what siblings were like, but, in only minutes, she was treated as if she belonged._

_She would later find out that Derek had leaned against the door jamb and watched Addison interact with his sisters for over an hour, and that was what had made him decide to propose marriage to her that evening as they were crawling into bed.

* * *

_

That Christmas was the subject of Addison's dreams, at least until the shrill ring of the phone interrupted them. She reached to the other side of the bed, but when she didn't feel Derek beside her she knew she was obligated to answer.

"Hello?" She grabbed the handset and held it to her ear.

"Addie?" A voice, which Addison deemed entirely too chipper for 7:30 on a Saturday, came across the line.

"This is she," Addison answered, desperately searching for who was on the other line.

"It's Emily."

Addison smiled, forcing herself awake for her sister-in-law, "Hi Em. How are you and the boys?"

"I'm doing well," Emily answered, "Zack and Timmy are doing well. They actually have a soccer game in a few hours. What about yourself?"

"As good as one can be living in Seattle," She joked.

"Not exactly New York," Emily agreed, "How's Bubba?"

Addison chuckled, after nearly 12 years of hearing his sisters use that name it still caused her laughter, "He's fine."

"And the two of you…" Emily warily wondered about the shaky state of her brother's marriage.

"We're working on it," Addison answered as honestly as she could muster.

"Good," Emily responded, "Now, the real reason I'm calling: Do you guys have any plans for Christmas?"

"Derek and I haven't discussed the holidays," Addison admitted.

"I understand. Well, we're doing a big family thing at Mom and Dad's, like always, and we'd love to have you guys," Emily explained, "We miss both of you."

"I'll have to talk to him about it."

"Thanks, Addie."

"No problem, Em."

After a long pause, Emily awkwardly spoke, "I'm glad you went after him, Addie. You were good for Bubba; I wish you the best, both of you."

"That means a lot, Emily," Addison thanked her genuinely.

"Well, I meant it," Emily said and then segued into, "Okay, I have to go, the boys are in need of a mother, I just had to call and invite you guys. I hope you can come. Give Bubba all our love."

"Will do," Addison agreed and exchanged goodbyes with her sister-in-law before disconnecting the call just as Derek came walking in.

"You awake?" Derek called softly as he walked to the refrigerator to retrieve a bottle of water.

"Yeah," She crawled from the bed and crossed the trailer to the kitchen area where he was now sitting on the counter, "Good run?"

"Until it started to rain," He smiled, "I figure you'd still be asleep. I thought you reserved Saturdays for an extra few hours."

"You sister called and woke me up," Addison answered.

Derek's face lit up, "Which one?"

"Emily."

"Really? What did she want? How are the boys?"

"Timmy and Zack are obviously doing well, she was getting ready to take them to a soccer game," Addison opened the cupboards in search of food, "And she was calling to invite us to the craziness that is the Shepherd Christmas dinner."

Derek froze at the mention of his family's Christmas. Addison had moved back in with him just over a month before, and they still hadn't managed to consummate their relationship. He couldn't bring Addison to what he saw as the happiest place on earth when he was still struggling to consider her his family. After what she'd done to him, he didn't really feel that she deserved the Shepherds.

Addison noted his cold reaction and crossed her arms over her chest and wondered, "So?"

"I'm going to take a shower, I'll talk to you when I get out," Derek slipped from the counter and started for the bathroom, only a few steps away.

"Derek, don't even consider taking a step closer to that bathroom," Addison instructed him simply.

Derek stopped. He took a moment and turned to face his wife.

"I moved back in here a month ago, and that month has been all about the silence. It's time you remember that we are, in fact, married. Be mean, be spiteful, hate me, but, for god sakes, talk to me! I'm sick of your silent act."

Derek sighed, half tempted to step into the bathroom just to spite her, "Fine. I was actually wondering if you belonged at my family dinner. Do you really deserve it?"

Hearing Derek question her part in his family infuriated Addison, and she retaliated, "I don't deserve to be there? Have you forgotten the countless Christmases and Thanksgivings I spent with your family and not you because you were too busy with your work? Have you forgotten the 6 children I delivered for your sisters? Tell me, Derek, if _that_ doesn't qualify me as deserving of your family, then what does?"

The hurt in Addison's eyes called out to him. She had betrayed him in the worst way possible, but she was also right. In their 12-year relationship, Addison had been as much a part of his family as he had. He couldn't deny that.

Derek sighed, "You belong at my family Christmas, Addie. But I don't know if I can share something that special with you, not right now."

Addison nodded, "Is this still because of Mark?"

The answer was in Derek's silence.

"Fine, if I weren't here would you take Meredith?"

"That's not fair," Derek turned and went into the bathroom, refusing to continue the conversation.


	2. Chapter 2

"You_ are amazing," Derek wrapped his arms around his wife of three years._

_Addison smiled, gratefully. It was Christmas Eve and she had just finished an emergency C-Section on Nicole, Derek's sister that fell between Amanda and Sarah in age. The entire Shepherd clan had filled the waiting room and they had all breathed a sigh of relief when Addison reported that both Nicole and her son were doing fine._

"_Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, your patient, Nicole Evans, is asking for you," A nurse approached Addison._

"_Go," Derek kissed her on the forehead, "Take care of her."_

_Addison entered the room where Nicole was cradling the infant in her arms and her husband was looking on proudly, "Nicole? How are you feeling?"_

"_I've never been so happy, thanks to you," Nicole answered, "Harry and I wanted you to know that we would like to name the baby after you."_

"_That means a lot to me, Nic," Addison approached the bed and softly ran her hand along the boy's cheek._

"_This is Montgomery Andrew Shepherd," Harry announced softly._

_Addison would later look back on this moment as more proof that she had been destined to join the Shepherd family. It was a moment that would help her through many of the rough patches she would face with Derek.

* * *

_

"Sarah, it's me, can you talk?" Derek propped the cell phone between his ear and shoulder as he sat on the grass and leaned against a tree overlooking the lake.

"Sure, Bubba, what do you need?" She agreed.

"Don't call me Bubba," Derek rolled his eyes.

"You'll always be Bubba," Sarah teased.

Derek gave an obligatory laugh to his sister's remark before turning serious, "I'm struggling, Sarah."

Sarah didn't respond; she was always the first person people came to when they needed to talk because she understood that silence was just as valuable as actually speaking.

"Sometimes, I can't even look at my wife, it's too painful. I remember what it was like to touch her, to be with her, to hold her in my arms. But when I consider it now, it almost revolts me. To know that someone else did those same things to her, it's unfathomable."

"Then why did you have her stay?" Sarah countered.

Derek was taken aback by his sister's question. He had a million reasons why he shouldn't forgive Addison. He had reasons to not let her stay. He had reasons to keep her at a distance. But he certainly had to have had at least one reason to not sign the papers.

"Bubba?" Sarah interrupted his thoughts.

Derek sighed and gave the only answer that made any sense to him, "Because she's Addison."

"And you're wondering if that one little fact is enough to keep a relationship with her," Sarah surmised.

"Well, me being Derek wasn't enough to keep her faithful," Derek agreed.

"Bubba, I've been married since I was 19 years old," Sarah began, "In 20 years, I've lost him and I've found him more times than I can count. There have been days, even weeks, when I questioned why I was even putting up with him. But it all comes down to when I look into the future, years down the road and I realize I don't want to have to face it with anybody other than Aaron. And that's what I'm willing to fight for."

"It's easier for you. Aaron never cheated on you. You have kids, you have something to fight for," Derek countered.

"Addison should be enough to fight for," Sarah rationalized.

Derek sighed, "Okay. Thanks."

"You can figure it out," She assured him, "Are you guys coming to Christmas?"

"I don't know if I want to bring her," Derek answered, "She doesn't feel like family right now."

"It's your call," Sarah said before hanging up.

Derek glanced at his watch to verify the time and realized Addison had probably been home from work for at least an hour. He sighed and got slowly to his feet, his discussion with Sarah weighing on is mind.

What he'd told Meredith was true; Addison was his family. But she had wounded him. Now that she was living with him, he had the desire to be as spiteful as possible. Hurting Addison gave him a sense of vindication.

That was nothing he would ever admit because she didn't deserve it. Maybe she didn't deserve his respect, maybe she didn't deserve his love and maybe she didn't deserve to be his wife, but he _knew_ that she didn't deserve to be the victim of his bitter revenge. He sighed, vowing to at least consider what Sarah had advised, and entered the trailer.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Thank you all for your reviews. I'm glad to see you are enjoying this story. It looks like it's going to be pretty short. Maybe one more chapter. Of course, I want to know what you guys think. I hope this chapter lives up to what you thought about the last two!

* * *

_Derek eased the door to their apartment open and slipped inside, making as little noise as possible. He breathed a sigh of relief when he wasn't immediately bombarded with his wife's fuming. The short hallway to where their bedroom, office and bathroom were located was completely dark, as was the living room where he was now standing. The only light was coming through the dining room from the kitchen._

_The only thought in Derek's mind was whether Addison was standing in the kitchen waiting to bombard him when he came in late._

"_Addie?" He called softly to her back._

"_It is two in the morning," Addison whispered, her voice cracking, "It is December 26. I spent Christmas with your family; I saw you once. Something doesn't seem right about that."_

"_I had to work, I had patients who needed brain surgery," Derek launched immediately into his defense._

_Addison whipped around, fire flashing in her eyes, "This wasn't just any day you abandoned me. It was Christmas, Derek!"_

"_I saved lives today, doctors can't put that on hold just because of a stupid day," Derek snapped._

_It was about that time than an elegantly wrapped cardboard box hit him square in the chest and Addison went running from the kitchen. He winced when the box made contact and barely caught the item. It took him only a few seconds to register that it was Addison's Christmas gift to him, no doubt selected with painstaking care months before and clutched in her hand for hours in anticipation of presenting it to him._

_The thought of the disappointment he had caused her made him ache. He followed the path she'd taken but stopped in the living room next to the Christmas tree and called out to her._

_She had come out of the bedroom, her face was wet with tears, and announced that they would put off their fight to another day. She wanted to celebrate Christmas, belated or not, with him. Derek had agreed and they had shared gifts, eggnog, laughter and some much overdue intimacy._

_It would always be one of Derek's favorite Christmases because it had proved to him for one night that, no matter what their troubles were, they could still be happy. The watch soon became representative that their love could work through anything. He was still wearing it when he left New York for Seattle after he found her in bed with his best friend.

* * *

_

It was Thanksgiving, and dinner had been anything but cheerful and full of thanks and appreciation. Addison had taken off early to fix dinner, but it was impossible to make turkey in the small trailer so she'd settled on two chicken breasts. They'd gotten cold by the time Derek got home so they had eaten the micro-waved chicken in silence because she'd quit yelling at his overachieving hours years ago.

After Derek who had never once attempted an apology had cleared dinner, he had sprawled out on the small floor space in the living area with his laptop. Addison, who was lying on the couch reading a medical journal, assumed he was doing paperwork. Both were blatantly not speaking.

"I didn't tell you, but I talked to my sister on the phone a couple of weeks ago," Derek broke the silence.

Addison set the medical journal aside and looked down at him, "I would assume you talk to your sisters often, Derek."

Derek sighed and sat up so he was leaning against the couch, "Please, Addie, I'm trying."

Her first thought was to retort with a sarcastic comment about how he would only try when it was convenient for him. But the look in his eyes was genuine, and she figured it couldn't hurt to give it a shot.

"Sorry," She smiled sheepishly and seriously considered kissing him on the forehead but thought better of it.

"Anyways, it was a couple of days after Em called," Derek began again, "I had the day off, and I needed to escape this trailer. I can't think in here. I went out there, and I called Sarah."

Addison studied his face, hoping for some clue to what was going on in his mind. Sarah was the easiest of Derek's sisters to talk to; she gave advice without ever passing judgment. A conversation with Sarah usually ended in you spilling your soul and finding some resolution. She just wished she could tell what resolution Derek had come to.

"I was feeling really lost," Derek explained, "I needed help sorting out things."

"Me?" Addison wondered quietly.

Derek didn't answer for several long seconds, but he corrected her, "Us."

Addison didn't smile, but she did offer a raised eyebrow.

"I guess I called her because I needed to tell someone," Derek explained, "I told her that I remembered what it was like to love you, but that it was painful to look at you, difficult to touch you and impossible to like you."

Addison winced, Derek certainly wasn't sugarcoating things, and, even if she deserved it, it was painful to hear.

"I had-have a list of a million reasons to hate you," Derek explained, "But she asked me the question I don't think I've ever even considered."

Addison blinked quickly to stifle the tears, "What question is that?"

"Why I had you stay," Derek answered.

Addison swallowed the lump in her throat, "What-what did you tell her?"

"Because you're Addison," Derek explained.

Addison looked at him, nodding her head to prompt an explanation.

"It's hard to explain it better than that," Derek shrugged, "You're Addison. You're 12 years of my life. You're the only person who can hold herself with my sisters; you're like the 5th Shepherd sister. I guess something in me didn't want to give that up."

"If that's enough to keep you from signing me away, shouldn't it be enough to make you see me as that person," Addison countered.

"Sarah said something like that," Derek smiled, "And, honestly, I think it should. She told me that if I look a few years into the future and you're the person I see standing by my side then that should be enough to fight for. I've been thinking a lot about that."

Addison looked away from him, she couldn't look into his eyes if he was going to break her heart, "And what have you decided? Do you see me in the future? Do you _want_ to see me in the future?"

Derek motioned for Addison to sit up. When she obliged he scooted himself onto the couch next to her. He looked at her face, showing all the fear and pain he knew she was feeling, and he realized she wouldn't allow her eyes to look at him.

"You betrayed me, Addison. But I wasn't perfect, either; I know that. I want to see where this goes because I don't think we're done yet; I've always imagined it would be you facing the future with me. I'd rather not face it alone."

It was lukewarm sentiment, not exactly something that would melt a heart, but it was something. She let her eyes drift to his, "You're going to work on us?"

"I am going to work on us," Derek agreed.

Addison allowed herself to smile, and Derek took the opportunity to kiss her on the forehead. He brushed a stray lock of hair from her face and flashed her one of his patented smiles.

"I want to go to Christmas," Derek told her, "Christmas is a good holiday for us."

"Yeah, it is," She agreed.

He leaned over and stretched out to grab the laptop. He hoisted it into his lap, "Look here."

Addison glanced over, curiously, "What?"

"We can take the Red Eye out after our shifts on the 22nd. We can spend the 23rd just the two of us in the city and Christmas Eve and Christmas with my family. We can fly out on the 26th," Derek showed her the flight he had been looking at.

"This is what you were doing?" Addison wondered with a curious smile.

"Yeah," Derek answered, "It does mean we have to take a lot of time off of work, but I think Richard will be lenient."

"Me too," Addison inhaled deeply, "Thank you Derek."

Derek nodded and he tapped the screen so that she could see the hotel he was planning on reserving. She nodded appreciatively, and he got up to get his credit card so he could book it.

Addison watched him walk away, her heart a little bit warmer because he was finally starting to care. Derek was finally making an effort, and they would be spending Christmas together.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** I know you all were looking to get some interaction actually the Shepherd family dinner, but I thought this worked better. After all, this is about Derek and Addie's relationship. I'd love to hear what you think as this comes to a conclusion. I'm presently working on other stories though... so there will be something new soon! Oh and I'd love to hear what you'd like to see in a story. I aim to please.

**

* * *

**

_Addison cradled the most recent addition to the Shepherd family in her arms, Amanda's 2-month-old daughter. After she had helped the Shepherd women prepare a delicious Christmas meal, she had offered to help out with the infant. She assumed that consuming herself in caring for her niece would make Derek's absence less noticeable; if anything, it had made his absence more prominent._

"_Is she sleeping?" Amanda wondered softly as she entered the guest room where Addison was taking care of the child._

_Addison smiled, "Just drifted off to sleep. She's a jewel, Amanda."_

"_Thanks," Amanda sat down next to Addison on the bed and touched her daughter's silky blonde hair, "Addie, what is wrong with Bubba?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_You've barely mentioned him all Christmas, and he is nowhere to be found. And he didn't even say for long at Thanksgiving. Something has to be going on," Amanda answered._

"_He's an Attending Neurosurgeon, now. He's working 80-hour weeks. He doesn't have a lot of time right now," Addison gave the scripted answer she had been telling herself for weeks._

_Amanda shook her head, "Don't let Bubba do that to you. Sometimes you have to put him in his place."_

"_I knew this was a possibility when I married a doctor," Addison shrugged, "That is usually his argument when I try to approach the topic."_

_Amanda shook her head, "I know things are tough for you guys, you got married just as you were heading into the busiest time of your lives. It wasn't fair. You need to talk to him; it's Christmas."_

_Addison had finished things around the Shepherd house and taken the 30 minute drive back to their brownstone on the Upper East Side. Amanda had been right, neither her nor Derek deserved the complacency that their marriage had grown to contain. She was going to fight. She was going to make it work._

_Derek didn't come home that night. He had stayed at the hospital. And that was when Addison had decided that she wasn't going to spend the rest of her life chasing after the ghost that had become her husband. It was his turn; she couldn't handle any more pain._

* * *

Addison pressed her head back against the headrest of the passenger seat in the rental car and closed her eyes. It was 8, and they were driving back to their hotel from Derek's parents' house. Despite the early hour, she was feeling extremely tired. The last few days had been spent in a blur.

Being in the city they had once called their home had almost transformed Derek. Sure, he was still hesitant, but he was actually smiling and enjoying a lively banter with his wife. In the last few days, they had visited their favorite haunts, spent time curled up in front of a fire talking and celebrated a lively and happy Christmas with his family.

And, now, a satisfied Addison wanted to sleep.

Derek took a moment to glance over at his wife as he pulled up to a stop light. A soft smile played on her lips, and he reached his hand across and placed it on top of hers.

"You're going to love where I'm taking you," He told her.

"What are you talking about?" Addison reluctantly opened her eyes, "It's late, Derek."

Derek chuckled, "It's not, actually."

Addison looked around curiously as Derek parallel parked in a familiar part of Manhattan and walked around the car to open the door for her. He led her along the street for a ways and wrapped his arm around her shoulder when he realized she was shivering.

"It is freezing. I am tired. The city is deserted; it is Christmas," Addison went down a list of her complaints

"Me thinks the lady doth protest too much," Derek whispered in her ear playfully.

Addison glanced to her husband in a smile and was shocked by what she saw. His eyes were smiling, something she hadn't seen for a long time. For the first time since she had joined Derek in Seattle she felt like he was actually looking at her. He wasn't hurt or disgusted at the sight of her, and he wasn't looking for Meredith in his eyes. For that moment, they were just Derek and Addison.

Suddenly, Addison felt much more awake, "Where are we going?"

"You'll see," Derek grinned and gave her shoulders a squeeze.

After only a few more blocks they were approaching the tall architectural masterpiece known as the Empire Sate Building.

"Derek, this is the Empire State Building," Addison wrinkled her brow, "This isn't where you're taking me; is it?"

"Addison, I know it's the Empire State Building," Derek rolled his eyes as he opened the door for her.

One of the most popular tourist attractions, the building was busy almost everyday. Being late on Christmas, there were a few scattered couples around, but Derek and Addison were mostly alone. Derek led her into the elevator and shut the door.

"We're alone in an elevator," Derek wrapped his arms around her waist from behind, "You know what is fun in an elevator?"

Addison rolled her eyes and elbowed him playfully, "Nice try, Derek."

Derek stepped back and held his hands up defensively, "Whoa, no need to get violent."

Addison grinned as she took a step toward him and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

"I thought we weren't doing this?" Derek raised his eyebrows suggestively.

Addison leaned back in for a kiss, but the elevator door opened and the two were forced to step off. Derek took her hand and guided her around the walkway to an empty viewfinder.

Addison smiled as she looked over the city, the view breathtaking, and mused, "This view still manages to amaze me."

"I know," Derek agreed as he dug into his pocket and pulled out a Snickers bar and split it in half; he offered one to Addison while keeping one for himself.

"What is this for?" Addison looked curiously at the candy bar.

"I remember you saying something about missing lunch at the top of the Empire State Building," Derek took a large bite from his half, "And this was the best I could come up with."

"Are you serious?" Addison wondered softly, touched by the thoughtfulness of Derek's idea.

"Of course I'm serious," He smiled.

They turned to silence, but for the first time in months it was comfortable. Before they had come to New York, Addison had wondered if it was a bad idea. For the few weeks before Christmas, they had been tense and bitter. But sometime between leaving Seattle and arriving in New York their relationship had been transformed. Derek was attentive. Addison didn't feel alienated. They were happy.

"I like seeing you like this," Addison mused.

Derek nodded, "These last few days have been a nice change. But, then again, Christmas does have a tendency to bring out the best in us."

She looked at his face; it spoke of genuine happiness. The hand placed casually on her hip spoke of desire. The candy bar in her hand spoke of attentiveness and caring. It was as if she were standing, once again, with the man she had fallen in love with 12 years ago.

A lump had formed in her throat, and Addison was forced to swallow it before she could speak, "It's not always going to be this way, is it?"

Derek was taken aback by the seriousness and somberness of her tone, "Addie, don't talk about that. We're happy right now."

"Of course we're happy right now," Addison stepped away from him, so that he could no longer touch her, "But that's just going to make it hurt so much more when we go back to Seattle. It's not fair to do this just some of the time."

"I can't make any promises, Addie," Derek took a step towards her.

"Yes, Derek, you _can_," Addison retorted, "You just _won't_. You only work on us when it's convenient for you. I understand that it's not easy, and we won't be perfectly happen all the time. It's your turn to make a commitment. I moved to Seattle; I have let you waver in what you want for months. It's your turn to do something for me. Make a decision."

Derek saw the seriousness in her eyes, and he knew that it really was time for him to make a choice. He glanced out over the city and thought of what Sarah had told him. What would it be like in a few years if Addison weren't the woman by his side? It took only a moment for him to find the picture of it in his mind, and he didn't like what he saw at all.

He took a step towards her, "I want you, Addie. I don't want you for a day. I don't want you for a year. I want you, with me, permanently."

Just as he was reaching for her, she reached for him, and they embraced. He kissed her lips softly and inhaled her rich smell. They stood there, together, for some time before Addison turned and guided him to the elevator. The time they spent together that night was the most passionate and tender they had spent in ages.

They left New York, the Shepherds and their happiness behind to return to Seattle. Derek had meant what he'd said, he wanted Addison forever, but they both knew it wasn't that easy. Derek still had his insecurities. Addison was still wary about his reception of her. But, they both supposed, at least they would have Christmas.

Amanda 45, Nicole43, Sarah40, Derek38, Emily36,


End file.
